Eht Neddih
by BringItBetches
Summary: When Harry Potter is pissed off at the world, he goes to an underground club. Eddy and Jaz Cullen go too. Then Ron comes into the picture. This is m-rated for language, boyish attitude, and slash. Head 3 Story. I have never ever read Twilight.
1. Don't go to a night club angry

**Head Three doesn't own Harry Potter or Twilight. Head One edited this whole ting. Typos galore!**

**(If you don't understand what's up with the heads, go read our profile. Have fun duckies!)**

CHAPTER 1.

"Damn it, just damn it all!" roared Harry Potter, hurling his fist towards a mirror. Today had been horrible. First of all, he woke up and discovered his girlfriend left him for Hermione. Then, he discovered he had feelings for Ron who was seeingDraco. After accidentally getting set on fire by some snot nosed brat, he decided that his black hair would look great with flame highlights. In the end, thanks to his shoddy altering appearance spell, his bangs became magenta colored and would not turn back to black. He furiously dressed himself to look like a mime. That was the style in the club he was going to. It was called Eth Neddih. He slipped on a black and white striped shirt that had a strawberry ice cream cone on it that said "Taste me". After putting on his lucky leprechaun made boxers he put on his pants. They fit loosely from the crotch down. They had all sorts  
of zippers and pockets. The pants also had suspenders that he didn't bother to bring up to his shoulders. Sneakers and a super hot black beanie came next. In his mind, he focused on the club he wanted. And soon, he was at the doors of a stone cavern, below the city of London.

* * *

Meanwhile across town, something different was happening.

"Damnit Jasper did you take my fang sharpener again?" bellowed Edward Cullen. He was dressed to the nines. Tight fittingblack pants, emphasizing his manliness, a tight fitting red and black shirt with a jaw breaker on it that said "Bite me" in fancy script. It was an irony shirt, he was a vampire and vampires bite. Jasper came out half dressed. He wore a tight fitting spandex mini skirt with striped leggings. He also wore an ultra padded and lacy brassiere. In his hand was a skimpy striped tube top.

"You mean your pencil sharpener? Here it is." yawned Jasper, slipping into his top. Edward caught it.

"Its a fang sharpener, asshole." growled the sparkling vampire. He sharpened his fangs quickly as Jasper zipped up thigh high white leather boots. Jasper disappeared, probably to stuff his bra and further feminize. Edward had found out Jasper was gay a year after them being roommates. Edward was ok with it. After all, he was a total hotty. As soon as Jasper was done, they both teleported to the doors of Eht Neddih.

* * *

Harry was scrutinized by a studly bouncer before letting be allowed in. He made a streamline through the crowd of dancing, grinding, hormone filled bodies to the bar. He ordered a C Sharp, a drink that was a combination of whatever vodka and other alcohol was left from a year ago. The drink was free, after all he was Harry Potter. Harry took out his wand and waved it over his drink, murmuring "Getmeis drunkikus". He took a large sip and began to giggle. He was so drunk.

Edward and Jasper got into the club quickly. After all, they were the Cullens, sexy beasts, all of them. Jasper immediately sprinted to the dance floor, catching the attention of several good-looking men. Soon, he disappeared into the mesh of grinding bodies. Edward super jumped up to a rocky out cropping. That was his rocky out cropping. He darkly scanned the crowd. Everyone looked so happy. They weren't vampires. They would die eventually. "Bleh. Mortals. Lame. Even Bella's lame. At least she listens to my needs at three am but still. Bleh." he thought. "Look at them," he sneered, "They haven't been what I've been through. I'm Edward fuckin' Cullen. I haven't showered in ninety years. Who's a bad ass? I am." Edward wrinkled his perfect nose. It sparkled. Maybe some alcohol would make him feel better.

Meanwhile, out on the dance floor, someone was getting his groove on. Jaz, (Jasper's drag queen name) had many mortals around him. Mostly male mortals actually. Unfortunately, none caught his eye yet. Despite the thrill of having all these guys grinding on him, none of them turned him on, until he came. This Adonis with red hair strode into the club. Skintight black and white pants clung to his legs. His muscles were emphasized by the fact that he wore no shirt, just bright red suspenders. He wore a black bowler with a red ribbon around it. His face was painted to look like a sad mime. And Jaz could never resist a flaming red head.

Shoving away all the other men, he strode up to the red head. Jaz walked about ten feet towards the stranger and dropped a ring he was wearing. He slowly turned around and bent down to pick it up. He could sense the red head was turned on. "Hello stranger," he cooed, "What's your name hot stuff?" The red head blushed crimson,

"R-Ronald but me mates call me Ron," he stuttered. Jaz leaned in and whispered, "I'm Jaz. Ron is such a hot name. do you know I have a weakness for red heads? They are so damn hot." Ron made several gulping noises. "How about you buy me a drink, unless you want to dance," continued Jaz, leaning closer and closer to Ron.

"Let's get something to drink, then I can show you my amazing skills," said Ron with more confidence. He led Jaz towards the bar.

Edward jumped down from the ledge and walked towards the crowd of people. Several girls tried to dance with him but he shoved them off. He might want to dance with them later. Edward approached the bar and sat down a stool away from Harry. "You. Bar tender. Give me a Zombie," he smirked. The bartender started to prepare his drink. In a matter of minutes a bright orange drink was sitting in front of him. It was garnished with a cherry and had a neon pink umbrella in it. Sipping it, he could taste the alcohol. If only vampires could get drunk quickly, but sadly, they cannot. It takes ten drinks to get them to show slight signs of drunkenness. And thirty-five drinks to get really smashed. He turned to the boy sitting next to him. "Nice hair," he said sarcastically. "Who let this kid into the club?" he thought, "I bet he has no magical anythings."

Harry slowly turned to the man talking to him. "Listen buddy," he slurred, "I had the worst fuckin' day of my life. My girlfriend fuckin' left me for my best friend who's a girl. I think I like my best friend who's seeing this fuckin' ass hole who wanted me dead. I was set on fuckin fire because I would not sign a picture of me as the boy who fuckin' lived because my name is Harry Potter and not the boy who fuckin' lived. Then when I decided that my hair would look cool with fuckin' flames, my fuckin' bangs turn fuckin' pink and they won't turn back to fuckin' black. Now I'm fuckin' drunk and talking to a fuckin' stranger. Fuck off and let me drink my fuckin' troubles away." Harry returned to his C#. "Stupid ass hole. He's ruining my fuckin' mood stew," he thought.

End of Chapter One.

**So, our first fanfic. Quite fun. Fangirls of both series, fight us if you dare...**


	2. Jaws Theme Song

**None of the three heads own Twilight or Harry Potter. If any did, this is what would have happened to them, and all of the twilight fangirls would cry. It would probably be pretty funny.**

**Written by Head 3, edited by Head 1. If you don't get it, read the profile. Have fun, kittens!  
**

* * *

Chapter 2

* * *

At the other end of the bar, Jaz was sitting on Ron's lap. "My lady will have a sex on the beach margarita and I will have a hanky-panky," said Ron, grabbing Jaz's ass.

"Oh, I love a man who knows what he wants," purred Jaz, "After this, want to head back to my place? My room mate is gonna be out for awhile." Ron choked on his tongue. He was expecting hard-core grinding, light making out. This was exciting! Ron practically wet himself. The drinks were placed in front of them. Jaz sipped his sex on the beach while Ron chugged his hanky-panky.

"Oh, bartender, he'll have a pink squirrel, a rat bastard, and a salty dog," said Jaz. He turned to Ron; "I just wanted to warn you with these drinks. See, I'm a dominating animalistic bastard. Does that turn you on Ronald?" He finished the sentence with a quick flick on the tongue in Ron's ear. Ron nodded frantically before finishing his hanky-panky. He idly sipped his pink squirrel, wondering how kinky Jaz was.

* * *

At the other end of the bar. Edward had to keep from laughing. This drunk next to him was Harry Potter? This was The Boy Who Lived?

"So, you're _seriously _Harry Potter?" asked Edward.

"Do you want to see my fuckin scar?" grumbled Harry from his drink. Edward nodded 'no'.The vampire tapped into Harry's thoughts.

'I really wish this bastard would stop talking to me. Can't he see I want to drink my troubles away? But what I really need right now is a good fuck. I don't care with who but I really gotta get rid of some of this stress.' Edward grinned to his drink. This was going to be too easy, much too easy.

"Gimme another Zombie." said Edward. "So, Harry, do you like kinky stuff?" asked the vampire.

'What kind of question is, do you like kinky stuff?' thought Harry. He downed the rest of his C sharp. Grabbing his wand, he pointed it at himself and muttered 'undrunkus punkus'. Almost immediately he became sober. "I really can't answer that. One, because my girlfriend was very by the book and two, I have no clue what your name is." replied Hary.

"Edward, Edward Cullen." replied the man next to him.

"Oh, the famous vampire, eh?" replied the young wizard, nearly laughing. Harry Potter had some opinions about Edward Cullen. "I might be into kinky stuff, if it was with the right person." replied Harry, ordering a zombie, like Edward.

* * *

Jaz grinned brilliantly. His plan was according to plan. Ron was sitting on his lap, drunk. Plus Ron had a pretty nice ass. As soon as ran finished his salty dog, Jaz leaned in close to Ron's ear. "Do you want to head back to my place?" he whispered. Ron drunkenly nodded. "But first, I need to pick up a few things." murmured Jaz. Ron dizzily stood up. Jaz strode up to Edward.

"I'm going back, I assume everything is in the spot. Make sure you knock." he whispered. He continued on, clutching Ron's arm. The two arrived in the entrance of the club.

Jaz placed himself and Ron on a platform and they slowly rose to the streets. Jaz dragged Ron three blocks away from the club and to an abandoned park.

"What, are we doing here?" asked Ron, the fresh air, sobering him up a little.

"Just getting some gifties my pet." murmured Jaz, grabbing a bag from a hole in a tree.

* * *

Edward sipped at his zombie. This Harry Potter could be the new boy toy he was looking for. Bella was out of town, some camping trip with Jacob whats-his-face and his shape shifter clan. "What a load of crap, shape shifters my ass. They are werewolves, not shape shifters." thought Edward, draining his zombie and ordering another. Edward scanned Harry up and down. "Yum, I wonder if that wizard has any junk in his trunk" grinned Edward, thinking it of cousre, eyeing a bulge in the wizard's pants. Edward tenderly sucked the straw of his zombie.

"Why is that straw sucking turning me on?!" Edward chuckled into his drink. Harry Potter has the funniest thoughts. "So, want to head back to my place for a good time?" asked Edward.

Harry, who was being oddly turned by Edward choked on the last bit of his zombie. "WHAT?!" he said quite loudly. Harry mused over this thought for a moment. "I wonder if" thought Harry, his thought was never finished.

"Yeah, its freakin' huge." grinned Edward.

Harry rejoiced on the inside. He just liked, no loved, no ADORED guys with big refrigerators. It had all the best food and rum and beer and frosting in them. Harry grabbed Edward and pulled the vampire out of the bar and into the cavern before the club.

"Hold on tight, babe." grinned Harry. Edward clung tight to the supple wizard. They apparated to the side walk above. "So, where do you live?" grinned Harry.

* * *

Ron loved the feel of Jaz in his arms. Jaz looked ahead, occasionally winking at Ron. Soon, they arrived at Jaz's building. It was a looming stone fortess type building. Similar to Hogwarts but much hotter because Jaz lived there. Jaz took Ron's hand and dragged him into an elevator. Ron gaped at Jaz's penthouse. It was so suave and chic, such a great place to fuck in.

"So, where we-" Ron was cut off by Jaz who dragged him towards the back of the pent house.

"Open the door Ronnie." he cooed. Ron did so, What greeted him was an equally attractive latina who yelled at Jaz,

"Bitch! You said you and I would have fun tonight." Jaz shushed him, because what Ron had saw as an attractive latina was Jaz's on again off again drag queen boyfriend, Jefferson. "Not tonight, I have some fresh meat." whispered Jaz harshly. Jefferson looked Ron over. "Good luck with Jaz boy. you'll need it." chuckled Jefferson. Ron started to speak but Jaz mashed his lips into Ron's. He lead him into a room. It had furry pink walls, mahogany floors, chains, shackles, and other "interesting" devices. It was....the....LOVE DUNGEON of Jasper and Edward's penthouse

End of Chapter 2.

* * *

**So... second chapter now... still no reviews... Review people! We want your flames/praise/criticism!**


	3. The Dungeon of No Return

**No one but the respective authors own Harry Potter or Twilight. **

**(Editor's Note: Sorry this chapter took a while, procrastination occurred not only for writing it, but editing as well... Sorry about that. Enjoy the last chapter!)**

* * *

"What is this place?!" shouted Ron pulling away from the kiss. His trousers became unusually tight.

"This is my love dungeon, well our love dungeon, my room mate and I share it," purred Jasper, caressing Ron's ruby red locks.

"Is this place for real?" he asked. He wandered around the room. There was a large wardrobe, something that looked like a treasure chest, furry pink shackles, and a large refrigerator. Ron went to the treasure chest first. He brought out his wand, which was strapped to his ankle and muttered "Alohamora." The chest opened and four draws rose out of it. The first drawer opened and revealed several pairs of fuzzy handcuffs in several different colors. The second draw opened and revealed, um, some "protection" in various styles, sizes, and flavors. The third draw opened and revealed a riding crop, an Indiana Jones style whip, and, a leather strap. And the fourth draw was filled with lovely "games" for couples and some "toys" too. Ron gaped at the sight.

Jasper grinned when Ron saw the treasure chest. The wardrobe held a large stuffed animal and several alluring costumes. The refrigerator held a lot of yummy foods. And there was surround sound and secret cameras everywhere, because facebook loves them sexy vampires, and it did turn Jaz on. Then below them was a large, eight person vibrating heart shaped bed for those wild nights.

"Let me go slip into something more… interesting," smirked Jasper, going to the wardrobe and grabbing a black bag. He left the dungeon and returned ten minutes later. Jasper wore the outfit of a schoolgirl, a tight fitting blouse, a red and gold-stripped tie & socks, and a short, but not too short (since he's a dude) skirt. Ron's jaw dropped. Jasper sashayed to Ron and seductively kissed him.

* * *

Edward grinned. He couldn't believe it. He was taking Harry Potter to bed. Or, well to love dungeon. He did love that love dungeon; Bella did too. But Bella was camping with the "shape shifters" so; Harry would get all his loving. "Hopefully he has a big magic wand," thought Edward, dragging Harry along.

Harry had offered to apparate them there, but Edward didn't like that yanking, stabbing feeling. Kinky pain was more of Jasper's thing. Eddy focused his vampire instinct on one thing. POOF MAGICO! Edward Cullen had turned into a giant vampire bat! He picked Harry up with his talons and the two flew to Eddy's apartment. After ten or so minutes of Harry yelling "Woo-Hoo!", Edward and Harry crashed through the lone window of the love dungeon, on top of a pants less Ron and a very ruffled looking Jasper.

"Its big and hairy!" shouted Ron, panicked.

"Ronald, that's not a nice thing to say, that's my room mate, and not my lover, Edward. He's a vampire! How rude!" snorted Jasper.

Ron shrugged, but then he saw his best chum, Harry. Usually Harry got the girls but, Ron, grinned. "Hey Harry, you brought home a guy!" jeered Ron, pointing at the now human apperence of Edward. Ron rolled on the floor laughing, in maroon boxer shorts. Jasper bit his lip while Harry and Edward tried to contain their laughter. "Ronny, honey, I'm a man too." whimpered Jasper removing his skirt.

Ron gagged for a moment. Jaz was a man?! Jaz was a Jasper?! After moaning and groaning Ron got over it.

"Now that's a good boy Ronny. Eddy, let's make these boys men," grinned Jasper evily.

**(A/N Hey, since I don't have the guts to actually write down a full description of what's happening, I'll just include innuendtastic phrases and sounds. The phrases are in quotes, the sounds are in italics. Have fun reading, my little kittens. I'd also like to thank Head One for giving me some of these lines. Thank you Head Two for your hilarious reactions.)**

**(Head One Note: Innuendtastic, for those who may not understand the meaning of this word, is a word that derives from the word innuendo. it is an adjective to describe a situation or phrase that can be interpreted as a sexual joke or innuendo. Yeah, Head Three made it up.)  
**

_Chink_

"Are those fuzzy hand cuffs?!"

"Harder, Eddy, I want to feel Eddy Jr.!"

"Mphh hmmph mmm oomph!"

"Ronny, hasn't anyone ever told you its not polite to talk with your mouth full?!"

_Spoink_

"Harry, I don't think slinkies are supposed to be used like that."

_Clang_

"Are you too cheap to heat these shackles Jaz?"

"Why Ron. I thought you found the cold sexy!"

"No."

"Well its about to get warm riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, now!"

"Ah! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhh! I need SPF 1,000,000 for the heat you're packing!"

"No! Harry that's not where it goes!"

_Slap_

Shut up bitch and let me have my fun!"

"Oh Harry, I didn't know you were like that!"

" Jasper, haven't you done this before?"

_Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip_

"Of course, just with more people."

"What the fuck is that Edward?!"

"Just the bed where I'll be marking my territory on you."

_Slaaaam_

"Where'd you learn to do that?!"

"Harry, when you've been alive for ninety years, you learn a lot of  
things."

_Sploosh_

"Oh Jasper!"

"Scream my name you man whore!"

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!"

"Include my last name this time!"

"JASPERCULLEN! JASPERCULLEN! JASPERCULLEN! JASPERCULLEN!"

_Shred_

"Looks like you're a bit hairy, Edward."

"We'll you're a little bit too!"

"We're all a little bit haaiiiiry."

"Admitting is not an easy thing to do."

"It's sad but true!"

"Acutally, it kinds of turns me on."

_Smoosh_

"How about now?"

"My gosh, it's a damn fetish noOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooow."

"Let's join Harry and Edward on the bed."

"I hope you guys are polygamous!"

_Suggestive moaning_

"YES, I'M THE BOY WHO FUCKIN' LIVED AND I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!"

"I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON TO LIVE FOREVER!"

"I CAN DO THIS EVERY NIGHT FOREVER!"

"I WISH MY MUM COULD SEE ME NOW!"

_Collective gasping, ew-ing_

"What the hell fire crotch?"

"What a perv!"

"I can't believe I let you stick your cinnamon twist into my deep frier!"

"I'm sorry guys. I didn't mean-"

"Get the fuck out of the love dungeon Ronnie."

"But-"

"LEAVE RONALD!"

"Fine."

_Whip Cracking_

"Harry if you want to stay, Eddy and I would be happy to have you."

"No, no, that was a little weird for me."

_Whip cracking_

"Just you and me stuff muffin."

"Just you actually Jaz, I've got to get back to utensil land."

_Giant vampire bat screech_

"Shit."

* * *

Where are they now?

Harry Potter moved to the Irish country side because they all sound like pirates. He is the owner of banshee be gone, a pimp service. Unfortunately, he is still understaffed so he makes many of the house calls himself. If you wish to apply to work for him, call 1-800-BBGONE or email him at IrishPiratesfakemail. Though he still doesn't talk to any of them, Harry has a tattoo of Edward, Jaz, and Ron on his back. He has no idea how it got there.

* * *

Ron Weasley is still living in London. He is the builder of  
stalkuonthenet .net**(editor's note: not real, don't look it up.)**, a website run by magic to find whomever you wish. It costs mucho denero per search but in the end, it's worth it. Ron is currently using to find Jaz, in hopes to have a threesome with himself and his wife Dracona (Draco accidently gave him self a vagina and wants to keep it). Ron has no children but a pony that he and Dracona love to ride around London. He has a secret shrine dedicated to Harry Potter, Edward Cullen, and Jasper Cullen; don't tell Dracona.

* * *

Edward Cullen was reunited with Bella. Then after one day, he left Bella pregnant and alone, due to the fact she's a clingy psychopath. Edward found a great job in the middle of an abandoned desert. He is getting paid millions of dollars to see what can kill a vampire. Its rather fun and he gets free muffins! Edward swears that the moles that have sprouted on his legs look like Ron (ew), Harry, and Jasper.

* * *

Jasper Cullen was bored as hell so he moved to California to open a _"specialty shop". _So far, he's made millions selling many _"specialty items" _and is beginning to dabble dress designing. Yes, he is still a drag queen and no, he is not available. He's having a perfectly marvelous life with his drag queen boy friend Jefferson. So far his most popular item is three specific blow up dolls. They are based off of his favorite orgy buddies, Eddy Cullen, Ronnie Weasely, and Harry Potter.

* * *

**A/N: That's the end of it crias (baby llamas or something like that). If I get enough reviews, I'll be writing a sequel. I'll even include the title and a small summary of it. "The Love Closet at Starbucks: Yes, I'll take a mocha latte served on Edward Cullen's ass." So rate and review. I command y'all. Srsly. Peace out.**


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